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Mar 2018

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There's two for the price of one today although that's more likely to be one for the price of two in wealthy-looking Windsor. Nothing yet's been eaten so first it's off to Eton, all the tables south of the river are taken, you see.

The crowds are taking advantage of a favourable, post-Brexit exchange rate, probably, and there's also the small matter of a big wedding here in seven-or-so weeks.

It's just hoped the  historic coupling means they're very  Happy Together in their poky, new pad in Kensington Palace.

 Strange Town, Windsor, since despite it being ostensibly opulent, things are familiar and functional on the way up to the bridge.

That's the River Thames, of course, snaking its way 20 miles west where it picks up pace  In The City of London.

There's nothing so shabby over in Eton, though, where it's all gentlemen's outfitters and nowhere to eat, neither.

It shouldn't need to be spelt out by now that Eton Guns has missed a trick, eh? Not so, it seems, there's nothing live in here and  Eton Air Pistols isn't nearly as sinister as first suspected.

No, this isn't an introduction to the industry, it's a Christian-heavy run Junior school for four-to-nine year-olds. Unlike the big school just up the road, which caters for older pupils, this one is state run and is somewhere you'd attend  When You're Younger.

  The Christopher Hotel (High Street)

Just the one hotel in Eton and likely to be providing lodgings for the parents of those whose accommodation is on a less temporary basis up the road.

Nobody's sure about the name but it might be Christopher Wren who finished off Windsor's Guildhall but more on that in a minute. A former coaching inn that goes back to 1711, it doesn't look too dated and there's  All Mod Cons in the bedrooms now, probably.

It's less than half a mile to Eton College's campus where, not unsurprisingly, you're not allowed in most of it. Classic, 15th-century Gothic on the chapel, you're sure to agree, but it's only half the intended length as those plans had to be abandoned.

Henry VI[1] was having a turbulent time, you see, what with wars of the Hundred Years and Roses varieties before he got  Beat, Surrendering his crown in 1461 after the battle of Towton.

[1] He had quite some life, old Henry, which would make for a great play although there's an awful lot to cram in. Maybe  three should do it?

This is all surrounded by  Pretty, Green countryside and the school even has its own golf course!

The famous, playing fields of Eton are responsible for forging the characters of nineteen prime ministers, no less, although this pair are  Absolute Beginners at this ruggers and much prefer the balls to be round.

Windsor is the 'Oldest and Largest Occupied Castle in the World', they say, although this isn't it. Getting  Away From The Numbers in Windsor, a decision has been made to decamp to LEGOLAND™ a couple of miles south-west of town.

It caters for kiddies up to 11 and there's not much change from £200 for a family of four if you pay at the gate. For that, they've laid on some rides that look to be largely closed although this is admittedly slightly out of season and that downpour[1] earlier won't have helped.

Come summer, however, and on  Saturday's, Kids will be going considerably more crackers here, probably.

[1] £3.50 for a flimsy, yellow poncho from a vending machine? Really?

We're here, since you ask, because being over this way anyway and, well, who doesn't love a model village even if the one in Corfe Castle was inexcusably overlooked. This one's called MINIWORLD™ and 42 million bricks have been used to replicate iconic landmarks from, erm,  All Around The World.

New York, London, Paris, Munich, everybody talk about block-glue-stick or rather the clever clipping together of ones you can't buy in the shops.

Throw in Belfast and all of this makes the diversion just about worth the £6 a pop[1].

[1] Some strategic planning was required involving a Sunday newspaper and some possibly fake details.

The old Wem-ber-lee Stadium even makes an appearance and as no stranger to soccerball, this one is reminded of the afternoon of Sunday 20th October 1996.

Newcastle United 5 Manchester United 0 was back when the mighty Magpies used to nearly win things and facing them that day was a young Mr Beckham.

With the home side cruising, he was cruelly taunted with chants of... 'David,  David, Watts the score? David, what's the score?'

Meanwhile, back in Windsor, highlights on the high street include the 1680s-built Guildhall and the pedestrianised area behind where a  Man in the Corner Shop can sort you out with a royal knick-knack and suchlike.

Shopping is one of the main attractions,  they say, where there's no need to even leave the train station.

The Windsor Royal Shopping Centre runs right into it, you see, and that's where's being headed to now having shunned being part of the  Car nation today.

  Royal Windsor Information Centre (Windsor Royal Shopping)

There's a tourist information in and around the station but their knowledge of how to get to LEGOLAND™ doesn't extend to the local buses. They suggest to take a taxi but admit that might be difficult what with Windsor being so busy.

Hang on a second, here's Prince William who's here to pick up the rings, probably, and he must have some clout around here? Hey  Billy! Hunt us down a taxi will ya!

Just to be clear, a train's being headed for since a fig couldn't be given about the shopping. Central London needs getting back to and means a shuttle to Slough then a change for the service into Paddington that will probably be the slow one that even stops at Iver, wherever that is.

It was noticed on the way out that there are major engineering works on the eastbound Hammersmith and City and Circle lines so that might mean the Bakerloo to Baker Street for the Jubilee down to Green Park then the Piccadilly back up to King's Cross.

Blimey, at this rate, we'll still be  Down in the Tube Station at Midnight.

  Windsor Great Park

Largely free, since you ask, although you'll pay for the Savill Garden when in season and you all remember him from Dartmouth, eh? Other highlights include the Long Walk, a two-and-a-half mile stroll from the castle to a brassy George III, not shown.